Rushing
Maybe I’m Rushing here,
Should I say I am going to be just 26,
Or I am going to be 26!!!!
My emotions is flying,
Its all over the place,
Watching my peers move forward in life,
It terrifies me,
It unleashes an undying fire into my chest,
What am I doing?
Who am I becoming?
Imperfect at everything,
And lost all innocence,
But still a virgin!
That doesn’t count!
Seeing friends,
All happy with companions,
Children,
A comfortable home,
Luxury,
Traveling,
Making plans,
I stay stagnated,
Yes, stagnated is the word I use,
To describe myself.
There has been a change so slow,
That it doesnt really matter,
No two lives are the same,
But they make me sad and jealous,
They who got things maybe a little easier than I,
What have I done to deserve such a slow poison of a life?
I wonder,
Dressed up and charming in social media,
Speaking my mind out,
Trembling inside,
Fighting confidence,
A home that has not known peace since the time I can remember,
No security,
Only scrutiny,
No pleasure,
Only pain,
Sickness too,
Falling sick in the ripe ages of fertility,
Immunity issues they say,
Oh its more than that,
A total shutdown,
Sleepless nights,
Some movies or series to get lost into,
Everyone is so competitive,
Here I am with hiccups at work too,
I feel so worthless,
So deep in the ditches,
In quicksand,
I am rushing,
My heart is,
My mind is,
Maybe I am suffocating my love a little,
Asking him to marry me,
But then can you blame a woman for wanting her happily ever after?
I always wanted a home,
A husband,
And three beautiful and intelligent children,
A picture perfect life,
Of dedication and devotion,
Celebrating traditions together,
As father and mother,
As a family.
No big pains,
Just that of a daily life,
No drunken fathers,
Or financial struggles,
Or sickness that feels like slow poison,
No big money either,
Just to live by,
Just for comfort,
I want just him and me,
And our kids,
We should look like,
Or maybe better,
Better than our friends,
But the goal is to not be like my family,
The goal is not have a drunken dad,
The goal is not have financial struggles ,
The goal is for me to have kids with confidence,
Who are not grown in fear,
But in freedom and love.
I want all pain to wash away,
Not rushing,
But desiring,
Wanting,
A pain,
A need,
I need that life,
Which I dont have.
I need happiness,
Cause I deserve it.
And definitely I am not greedy,
When I am asking for enough and nothing more,
Just a family,
A normal life,
Peace above all,
Companionship,
Commitment,
Love,
And health.
All those wishes,
Deep desires,
Will it ever come true?
Will I live like her..she who goes for parties and posh cafes,
Or the one that travels to bali and thailand,
Or the one that gets to wear beautiful jewellry and gets to sit at home,
Or the architect one who always smiles and travels around in her cute red car?
I wonder,
A little in pain,
A little in desire,
My feeling,
Thy name is not jealousy,
Thy name is pain,
Pain of broken families,
And abuse,
Stories of struggles,
And shattered confidence,
Of fighting for health,
And putting faith in god,
Stewing inside everyday for something good.
