Detached Attachment & Unequal expectations in Relationships
Growing up in a family where emotional closeness was a cornerstone of our lives, I’ve come to realize that my tendency to form deep attachments in relationships likely stems from my childhood. Our family of five shared a unique bond — we would all lay our beds down in the hall and sleep together, a tradition that fostered a sense of unity and comfort. Family trips were always a group affair; my parents never traveled without us kids. Alongside my two siblings, we created a festive atmosphere at home, binge-watching, playing games, and planning day trips together.
This strong family connection became my anchor as I moved through life, especially given the transient nature of my childhood. I changed schools and locations four times from kindergarten to 12th grade, so my family became my only constant. Though I’ve formed friendships over the years, my deepest confidants remain my parents and siblings.
Looking back, I recognize that my family’s understanding and supportive nature has influenced my views on relationships. My parents, though traditional in some ways, have always given me the freedom to make my own choices — whether it’s about the degree I pursue, how I dress, or the trips I take. In an Indian household, this kind of liberal attitude is often rare and something I deeply appreciate.
However, as I’ve grown older and started interacting with others, particularly women in arranged marriages or traditional relationships, I’ve noticed an unsettling inequality that often goes unquestioned. Through these conversations, I’ve observed that many people, especially in arranged marriages, display what I call "detached attachment" toward their partners. It’s as if they’ve been conditioned to adjust to the relationship, rather than fully engage with it emotionally. This detachment seems to stem from societal conditioning, which often pressures women to accept whatever situation they find themselves in, under the guise of “adjustment.”
But why is it that women are the ones expected to adjust? I’ve heard countless stories of women being told not to challenge their husbands because "men don’t like to be questioned." There’s an implicit rule that while men can criticize or question their wives, women are expected to silently accept their partner’s actions. This dichotomy struck me as fundamentally unfair. Why should men’s actions be excused as generosity, while women’s efforts are treated as obligations?
This disparity is not biological; it’s rooted in ego and societal conditioning. The way men are brought up — without being held accountable for their actions in the same way women are — breeds a dangerous kind of confidence. It allows them to act without considering the consequences, believing they are above reproach. But in reality, both men and women are human, both capable of making mistakes and growing through life’s experiences. Why, then, are we allowing these imbalances to persist?
As a society, we need to challenge these outdated norms that shape relationships. Men and women should be brought up with equal expectations, given the freedom to evolve without the burden of rigid gender roles. Relationships should be built on mutual respect, open communication, and the acknowledgment that neither gender holds moral superiority. Only then can we create a fairer, more understanding dynamic between partners — one that allows both men and women to thrive as equals.
